Our Communication is Essential

Talking Points for Helpful Communication with Family and Friends created by Dublin Club at the Senior Service in Midland, Michigan

 I want to talk about what communication is for those who have trouble trying to talk to anyone.  It is hard.  Erin and Monica asked if we would like to write down thoughts we would share with our family and friends. We said YES.   I will share some of the thoughts that were close to me.  It is getting harder for me to talk with another person.  To communicate with my family and friends and anyone else we have to be on the same page.  There are times that I can talk and talk and make sense, sometimes I don’t.  Those times can be, funny, and we laugh or get angry, crying or not understanding each other.  I could walk away or you could walk away, or we can work it out.   In my journey with God and  Alzheimer’s Disease, there are many diseases in the Dementia group and also those who have memory loss.  How do we communicate with our families and friends?  When we go out of our homes, we will be dealing with meetings, coworkers, restaurants, in cars, buses, beauty parlors, church and everywhere we go.  Because of the Dublin Club I have been learning how to communicate slowly and kindly. So, here we go (you and me) on our journey to find the words that keep us liking each another.

 

In the Winter of 2012 at the Dublin Club we were working on a list to take home to our family and our friends.  We brought the list home to share what we needed to have good communication with you.  It is hard for us to communicate with people who don’t understand us.  We know you want to help us and you do, and we thank you and then there are other times you don’t. The following examples are from the Dublin Club, not just those with Alzheimer’s or experiencing memory loss and could be helpful to all communication.

Examples:

Be open and ready to Hear & Listen (they are different).

 If I am having trouble with words, wait, be patient, and give me time to retrieve the word on my own.  Let me and my brain relax.  If I admit that I cannot think of the word, then it is okay to help.  Ask if you can help versus taking over.

Slow down your communication. Why? My brain can’t go that fast, by the time you stop talking, I have lost what was said.  If I call on the phone for a friend’s phone number and the person starts giving the number very fast, I have to stop them and slow down.

One idea at a time is all I can do.  So, when you want to help, first ask me if I want it.   Please do not assume what I need. 

Ask me how I can help you; I am able and willing.

Please don’t use the phrase, “I just told you that” or “don’t use the word “Remember”.  Sometimes, too many times I hear,” Sara, didn’t you remember to close the oven, the water running or the garage door left open”.  Then I want to say, “no honey I like it that way”.  But I would say,” I’m sorry and I cry”.  

Remember that our words and actions can be interpreted as negative and hurtful, despite good intentions. 

Don’t let emotions shut down communication.  I do shut down the communication when I can’t understand what you are talking about. I walk away from groups when my brain can’t keep the words and when I can’t find my words or names, when I want to do things myself and I can’t.  Listen to me, let me talk and when I really need help, I can ask you if you can help me, that would mean that is your time to talk.

        

Now it is my time to say to you, “ Forgive me”.  When you talk to me I need to listen to you.  In my past, if you wanted to tell me about your new job, I would jump into asking questions and I would take over the communication.  If you were having trouble I had the answer to fix it, and you just wanted me to listen as you worked it out yourself.  If we were having different ideas at church, I would think my idea was better than yours and I would not let it go.  I would walk away, argue back in forth, or lose you as a friend.  I don’t want you to leave. I want to listen and hear your thoughts.

As my disease is slowing down, my brain will make changes in my life and I don’t know how.   I do know that I want you in my life.  I do know that I love you.  I can get cranky, get happy, can cry, and laugh all at the same time.  God is in our life and that keeps us going when we know we need help.  For me, Yes! He has given me help throughout my life. Thank You all!  It is a great Journey with Alzheimer’s and God!        

Let there be laughter!  Laugh with me, not at me.  I love to laugh, I love to smile, I love to laugh when I screw up and not worry about it and start again.  So when we are talking communication, let us laugh     out loud.  Make me laugh and I will make you laugh too.

Next blog:  Reflective Listening: Can you hear me now?